Spray Tan

You've got somewhere to be. Somewhere nice. Maybe it's prom and you want to look good in your new dress. Or maybe you're going on holiday and don't want to look vampirically white while you wait to tan naturally. You decide to get a fake tan.

Stop right there.

Seriously, don't fucking move. I'm going to try and make one thing perfectly clear to you right now: nobody in the history of the universe has ever looked good with fake tan on. Nobody. It's just not possible, okay?

It's one of these things you think looks good, like hair extensions or fake nails or the duck face. Fake tan looks fake. You don't look tanned, you look like one of these:

Now, I like oranges as much as the next guy - for a start, they're a great source of vitamin C. But they're not exactly attractive.

So remember, fake tan won't make you look pretty; it'll make you look stupid.

[You'll also smell like pennies]